I guess I have been caught up too much in my thoughts, so I'll try my best to simplify it.
I've always believed that music is my passion. I started when I was 19, but once I began my journey, something inside me kept biting at me because I didn’t have any connections to help me progress. The music business relies on connections, so instead, I chose to perfect my craft.
Then, I had my first relationship, which turned out to be very toxic. I learned a lot from it. The heartbreak was so monumental that it took me a while to recover. When I finally did, I realized I had wasted a lot of my younger years on something—and someone—who didn’t value me. My journey with music faded into the background.
To cope, I decided to find a job so I wouldn’t be alone or consumed by my emotions. I worked for five years, but it never felt fulfilling. It was something I forced myself to do.
After three years, I finally moved on and found someone else at a point in my life when I thought I was finally making progress. This was my second relationship, and we were together for five years. Everything was going well. My passion for music came to the forefront again, but this time, I was also focused on building a business empire. Being an employee felt limiting, and power dynamic issues started arising.
So, I started a business while continuing my music and studying to perfect my skills. I wanted to build an empire, working endless hours, all while doing everything else on the side. I did it all because I wanted to give her everything she could ever hope for.
We were together for five years. And then, suddenly, it all ended again. She told me she didn’t want to be with me anymore. Everything came crashing down—my business suffered a loss, not huge, but I wasn’t in the right state of mind to handle anything.
This was my second relationship. I’ve only had two so far. I applied everything I learned from my first relationship to this one. When I asked her why she was doing this—because we never fought, we had great understanding, and there was no toxicity—she just said,
"It’s a good thing we are ending on a good note, and if you really love me, you won’t contact me again."
And I didn’t. Not one text, not one call. Nothing.
For the last three years, I tried to move on, but something inside me kept stopping me. I didn’t meet anyone. I didn’t go out with anyone. I couldn’t. I kept jumping from one thing to another, struggling to get back on track.
And finally, this year, I thought,
"I’m out of it. I’m getting back to my thing."
Then, two weeks ago, she came back.
She asked me if I had been with anyone. If I was with someone. I said no.
She asked if I would meet her. I said yes.
I asked her the same question, and she said
yes, she had been with three people in this time. It hurt inside, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt because just because I didn’t try doesn’t mean no one else would.
That was
week one. We met twice, and it felt whole again. It felt like life was finally rewarding me for all the suffering.
Then, in
week two, she went on a trip. She called me and
told me to my face that she hooked up with someone again. No remorse in her voice. None at all.
I just cut the call. Said nothing—because I had never said anything before. And this time, I blocked her.
Last time, I didn’t block her because I thought I needed to be mature enough not to do these "high school things" and let myself heal. But this time, I couldn’t bear it anymore.
This happened on
Sunday. Since then, I’ve been feeling aimless. When I was finally moving forward, within two months, it felt like I was destined for nothing.
No love. No wealth. No relationships. It feels like all my goals in life are just illusions inside my own head.
I don’t know where to start. What to do.
Am I going to do anything? Can I do anything? Am I destined for something?
I feel stuck in a loop again. I’m looking for a job—not because I need it, but because I can’t bear being alone, not even for a second. And if I’m repeating the same cycle again, I’m not succeeding. I’m just dragging myself through life.
I don’t even know if I’m making sense or if I’m able to convey what I’m looking for as an answer. I’ve been staying with my friends for the last few days, and they keep telling me what real friends say:
- I have a great personality.
- I’m intelligent.
- I have a strong and intimidating aura that people admire.
- I’m ruining myself over someone who doesn’t care.
People have told me that when they first met me, they felt intimidated—that I was arrogant and rude, that I didn’t think about others’ feelings. But once they got to know me, they saw that I’m more of
a cat in a lion’s skin.
And now, all of this makes me question myself.
My self-respect. My confidence. My value in my own eyes, in my friends' eyes, in my family's eyes.
I am shattered.
I’m sorry for venting. I don’t know if I got my point across. But I don’t know
what to do, what to feel, what to expect, or even who I am anymore.
So I guess my real questions are:
- Why am I like this?
- Why am I so aimless?
- Why does life keep pushing me back two steps when I finally take one forward?
- What am I doing wrong in every aspect of my life?
I’m sorry if this is too much, but I’m just lost.
PS:
She hasn’t even tried to contact me—not even once, just to see if I’m okay.
Not to check if I’m fine, dead, or alive.
Nothing.
Rahu in the 1st and Ketu in the 7th: You are highly independent and may find relationships to be karmic or unconventional. You might attract partners who are either highly spiritual, detached, or different from societal norms.
Karmic Relationships: You may attract partners who challenge you spiritually. Growth-oriented relationships are common.
Karmic Growth in Relationships: Your soul’s lesson involves learning balance in partnerships (Rahu in 1st, Ketu in 7th).
Share Your Knowledge – Teaching, writing, or consulting suits you.
Career: Business, finance, teaching, spirituality, or leadership roles suit you.
